Elementry School Musical

Okay, I am about to sound like the most jaded person in the world but here goes...alright I'm just gonna come right out and say it: "Elementry school music programs are just awful!".

The other night my wife and I attended my 9 year old son Jake's music program at his school. It was titled "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader (the musical)". Just before showtime, we took our seats (in uncomfortable folding metal chairs) amoungst the other parents in the school's gymnasium, which like all school gyms has the funky smell of sweaty little kids. As the name would imply, the "show" was modeled after the popular TV show. The school's principal played the role of the contestant. Each time she correctly answered a question she was "awarded" with a song - sung by the 3rd thru 5th grade students sitting at the front of the stage. Cute idea, but (here I go) I'm sorry, no matter what they do, it's still gonna be a bunch of bored looking kids singing ridiculous songs in a monotone voice. All of the songs had a Washington State theme - hence songs like "Apple Maggot Quarantine" (I'm not making that up), "Forty-four tribes" (all 44 Washington native american tribe names were "sung" in a list that seemed to go on forever) and just plain wierd songs like "Whenever I think of the Pioneers" (I am willing to bet a years salary that my son Jake has never actually sat around daydreaming about the "Pioneers" ...unless there is some kinda new video game where the Pioneers must fend off explosive energy plasma Megatrons from the planet Zurg). I kept finding myself looking at the program they gave us, trying to gauge how much longer we had to indure this ("Okay, they just sung "Washington, My home" - when they finish "The Salmon Song" we should be just about home free..")

Suddenly, and gratefully, the show ended and there was a smattering of applause from the audience (kinda like when Pro golfer sinks a bogey putt). Parents quickly packed up their camcorders and grabbed their children by the arm and headed for the exit. We wandered through the crowd and found Jake and I told him "Hey great job buddy". He said a bored "Thanks" and then said "I don't get the Apple Maggot Quarantine song...". I just shook my head and said "Neither do I buddy, neither do I..."